I never feel lonelier than I do in the evenings. I put the kids to bed and then sit in front of the computer in a futile attempt to connect with other human beings. I check facebook over and over, even though I know that everyone I love is fast asleep across the ocean. I click around on Hulu, but there's nothing interesting there (can the fall TV season just start already?!). I am too tired and too bored to force myself to clean up, so I sit around in a mess that only adds to the restlessness. There is no one to recount my day to, to sort out the significant and insignificant, to put it all to rest, and without that the days just never feel finished. Some days I give up early and just go to bed at 9:00. Other days I'm not that smart.
Today something really threw me for a loop that shouldn't have. I was feeling sad and selfish and angry; shaking my fist at the heavens and having a good cry. This song came on Pandora and kind of shook me up. Have you ever had one of those moments where a song or a movie or a piece of art speaks to you so clearly that it just shocks you, like your heart has just been defibrillated or something? It was as if the song was saying to me, "This is what you believe, Amy, remember? Through all of the disappointments and doubts and uncertainty, this much you have never questioned. Hold onto this, at least." It feels silly to owe an epiphany like that to John Mayer, but there it is.
The Heart of Life
I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good
5 comments:
Thanks, Amy. I think we all needed to be reminded of this.
I completely understand what you mean! I had the exact thing happen to me right after I dropped Zach off Sunday morning. Listening to pandora in the car while driving aimlessly around fort benning. I was sobbing (and driving = scary) and one of my favorite Missy Higgins songs came on and I immediately stopped. It just lifted the clouds, I guess you could say.
It's good to know that other's feel the same way. I do the same thing when I'm tired and restless..check and recheck things online. I'm not much or a reader and I don't even watch many movies...but lately I've started making myself do something else. Not chores, but something that I can enjoy and will help me take my mind off my frustrations. Having goals to focus on are good, too. I've got a few that I'm excited about, and I think will help the next few months go by faster. I'm sorry about how you are feeling! I know we don't know each other that well, but I'm here whenever you need someone to talk to and I'd like to get to know you more. :)
Oh, honey chile. Wish I could give you a hug and sit and talk a while.
Thanks for sharing these feelings and this song. I need the John Mayer epiphany too. For the first time in my life this week a heart and soul girlfriend broke up with me, completely out of the blue. It doesn't compare, I think, to the chronic loneliness you're dealing with, but it sure took the shine off my finish.
Whatever comes, life IS good.
Miss you! xoxo
I wish I could say something to make you feel better but I know it would sound like a bumper-sticker. We all care. Love, Mom
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