I apologize in advance that this post will consist primarily of complaints and self-pity.
I will do a post about R&R when I am in a better mood. Because it really was wonderful and I don't think I can come up with happy enough words to convey that at the moment.
This week I am very disappointed in myself and very frustrated with the army. I always figured that when Tim was home I would relax a little with the weight loss and just try to maintain for that two weeks. Instead I turned into a total pig and gained 5 pounds. In two weeks. The stupid thing is that Tim and I have both been making major progress at eating healthier while we've been apart. It's frustrating that it's so easy to fall back into old patterns. I know that we were kind of in vacation mode and I hope that it will be different when he comes home for real, but it actually really scares me. I am so afraid that when I finally get to my goal I will just let it all go and become the typical yo-yo diet story. I can't bear the thought of having to track my calories every day for the rest of my life, but I honestly don't know if I can control myself without doing it. I'm just so freaking tired of thinking about food. It seems like I'm either fat and thinking about what to eat all the time or losing weight and thinking about what to eat all the time. I just want my brain to be free to think about something else.
To make matters worse, the child care situation for going to the gym has become a total nightmare. It is becoming pretty much impossible to get any time reserved because the word has gotten out about it and the program is totally overloaded. I guess that the only way to get reservations now is to go sit outside the office at 7:00 am on Friday mornings, which I can't do because I have to get Clara to school. It's so discouraging because gym care is the piece of the puzzle that makes the rest of my life work right now. Without it I can't go to the gym, which is not only what keeps me losing weight but also what keeps my mental health in a good place. Without a workout I really struggle to eat well and my mood suffers a lot. I do try to work out at home, but it's just a lot harder. When I have gym care reserved I just have to do it; it makes it automatic and easy. If Forrest ever gets into preschool it would accomplish the same thing, but he's been on the waiting list for 7 months already, so I'm not holding onto hope of that happening any time before Tim comes home. I'm just feeling really fed up with the Army offering us all these "benefits" that are next to impossible to use because they won't allocate the necessary resources to the programs.
And I hate my stupid messy house. And I hate cleaning it almost as much. And I hate it that even when I do clean it it still looks like a crap hole because, well, it is a crap hole.
When your spouse is deployed you get into a groove; it sucks pretty bad at first, but after a while you learn to cope with the suckiness and stop noticing it as much. Then they come home for R&R and it's so awesome. You remember how things were, how things are supposed to be. You remember that once upon a time, you didn't have to be strong and independent and do everything yourself. And then it's so hard to go back. Being strong and independent is pretty overrated, if you ask me.
If you actually read all of that, you are a better friend than I am. Thanks for letting me get it out of my system.
9 comments:
I'm so sorry. I don't have an answer ... exercise is hard when you don't have to figure out childcare, let alone when you do.
Which really makes no sense because you do feel so much better when you do it. But making yourself do it is still so very hard.
I will keep thinking and see if some sort of epiphany hits. Still waiting for my own inspiration but maybe it will come faster if I'm asking for someone else. ;]
That said ... take care. Even on grumpy days you are doing so well. You and the kids and Timmy are prayed for multiple times a day. Remember that!
We're the BAZACT SAME! Except my house isn't a crap hole, sorry to rub that in. It IS messy though...and small, don't get me wrong. Steve came home for a week at the end of...I don't know, some month long ago...I had lost 7 pounds that month and gained FOUR the week he was home....le sigh. One day I'll have a maid to clean my house...and Mary Poppins to watch my kids whilst I go exercise (Harley is refusing to go to the gym now) and my poop will smell like flowers. Come live by me again and I'll watch your kids so you can exercise. And I'll come flylady your sink. I can see it now - "REAL Army Housewives of San Antonio"...it doesn't get much realer than this folks.
I gained 7 lbs in two weeks which still hasn't gone away, but I've had new hiccups to help keep me from getting rid of it. ANYWAY, that aside, I will watch Forrest for you anytime you want, as long as I'm not sick. I'll contact you about it. :)
Crystal, I don't know if people could handle the awesomeness of a reality show about the two of us. We would blow everyone's minds. How much longer do you guys have? I just keep trying to remind myself that the rest of the time will go fast and this will be over before we know it. Right? RIGHT????
Just remember that USUALLY as fast as it comes on, it will probably come off. Drink lots of water and flush your system.... though none of that really helped the problem. You're just bummed, with good reason. Just remember, "This too shall pass." My grandma used to say that and it's so true. It sucks, I can not imagine. It's bad enough when Mike is gone on a business trip, I can only imagine what it's like when that business trip is for so freaking long and has the added element of fear in it. Just know that Angie is right, lots of people praying for you. We love you and we love your family. Life will get better.
Hugs
-Susie Q.
(I hate logging out of Mike's account)
I'm so sorry!! How much longer will Tim be deployed? As to the weight loss, a 5 lb gain is not great, but you know what to do to work it off. It's certainly no reason to beat yourself up. And don't think about "how will I sustain it". I've spent two years worried about that and stuck at the same weight. I'm finally getting to the mindset to worry about the now, the loss. When you get to your goal, then you can concern yourself with the maintaining. You and Tim will get it when he's home for good -- you both knew it was only two weeks -- you wanted to make the most of it. You wanted it to be like old times, and some of that is in the old eating. And that's OK! You'll get there. You're our inspiration, you know!
Hi Amy. Dang it, life is just hard sometimes. It would be awesome if we could always remember the big picture and that each day is really such a small part of our existence, but I know it doesn't feel that way. Just remember the one smart thing Scarlett said in Gone With the Wind, "After all, tomorrow is another day." Hopefully you already feel better:)
If you figure it out, please share the knowledge.
That's a lot going on. And maybe you can partner up with a friend (as one poster suggested) and help each other with childcare so that you can have a support and schedule for the gym time. Good luck with that.
As a single civilian with no kids,( so fewer challenges to working out) I can only personally relate to your desire to just "be" and "do" and eat without thinking about it. Without checking my nutrition/calorie counts. I keep reminding myself that at some point this will become a new habit, and just my way of living. And then it will come natural.
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